I'm not sure what it is, but lately I have had this unnatural desire to blog. If you know me very well, you know that I am not the greatest writer or speaker. But sometimes you just need to get things out. Ya know?
I am completely and utterly AMAZED at what God is currently doing in my heart. It's something that I feel should be written down for the mere sake that I may one day reflect on this sweet season of life. I know that we go through hard and easy seasons of life, but even during the hard seasons, God can do radical things in your life. I feel as though I am now entering a new chapter of life and it is exciting. However, as I enter a new season of life, I am doing my best to reflect on what God has taught me through a harder season I have faced.
Last semester was a hard one for me. My mom and I moved into a new apartment a week into the fall semester and a couple months later, my parents divorce was finalized. I want to write about their divorce not because I want to play the victim card or receive special attention because that is not the case at all! Rather, I need to write about this event to express how God can use even the hardest situations for His glory.
Last December (I believe it was December) my mom regretfully told me that my Dad was wanting a divorce. I was not shocked by this and kind of saw it coming. So at first, I had convinced myself that I was okay with it. However, it didn't take long before I began to feel angry about the whole situation. As I learned more about why my dad was seeking a divorce, things just did not make any sense. I was angry at him for turning his back on my mom and the rest of us. Then came a even bigger blow to me and this DID catch me a bit off guard. My dad told us that he no longer consider himself to be a Christian anymore. He still believed in God, but no longer thought of Jesus as his savior.
I was furious.
My father, the man that raised me and explained the gospel to me, no longer considered himself a follower of Jesus Christ! I was already having a hard time wanting a relationship with him before the divorce, but now, now I just thought "why even try?" I was seriously considering cutting him out of my life completely. After all, my relationship with him the past 6 years had mainly been through my mom. Now that he was cutting her out of his life, why should I try to pursue a relationship with him?
Angry and confused, I felt my heart start to harden towards him once more. However, this is when God intervened. Being a child of God and having the Holy Spirit, conviction tends to hit me almost immediately after I sin. And it hit me HARD this time. I remember sitting at Watermark Community Church at the coffee shop. I was reading my Bible and doing some journaling. I remember writing about how angry I was at my dad and how I was not sure if I even wanted a relationship with him after the divorce would be finalized. As I began praying and thinking, God began to shake my thoughts. I remembered the gospel and began to reflect on who I was before Christ. I remembered that "all have sinned and fallen short of God's glory."
All?! Wait! That most definitely includes me!
I then suddenly remembered how far God has taken me since I became a Christian. I was so hard hearted and bitter. I was selfish and used people to get what I wanted. Nothing good ever came from my lips. I used words to hurt other people and never said anything encouraging. I was a wretch.
Yet, even though I was all these things, God still loved me. He loved me so much He sent His only Son to come to Earth, live a perfect life only to die in order that I may be redeemed. And by amazing, sweet, and beautiful grace, I can now have a relationship with God through Jesus Christ. I began to tear up as I was reflecting on these truths. My emotion stemmed from both joy of understanding what God has saved me from, and remorse that I had even considered purposely cutting off connection with my dad because I thought he was too much of a sinner to deserve a relationship with me. When it comes down to it, I am no better than my dad. I have sinned just as he has. The difference between us is that my sins have been washed away and God now sees me as Holy. I was humbled at these truths and God began to soften my heart in HUGE ways towards my dad.
Well, life went on and I did my best to support my mom as she went through something no one should ever go through. I decided to reach out to my dad and he was very receptive. We now email frequently and he tries to call once or twice a month. Although I feel that most of our relationship is still very shallow, I am enjoying getting to know him again. Things have not always been easy between us, and he has been overseas for six years now causing a even more distant relationship. I am doing my best to get to know him again and to love him despite the hurt he has caused. God has blessed me so much through this and I am absolutely in awe of the work He is doing in my heart.
I feel like God has really taught me some important lessons through all this. I have been able to rely on Him in bigger ways and He has remained faithful throughout it all. I encourage you to reflect on some of the hard things God has brought you through. Maybe you are going through something hard right now, and if that is the case I hope that you are seeking God and community through it all. I believe reflection is a big part of growing in your faith, and I want to thank you for reading this as I continue to reflect and remember everything God has done for me.
"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
