Listen

This semester is almost over, and I'm actually kind of bummed. This has by far been one of the coolest semesters and the Lord has revealed to me some pretty sweet things. Here is a list of some of the things that I have learned/enjoyed this semester.

1. I have LOVED living with my sister, brother in law and their kids! It has been such a blessing to stay here and I want to write a future blog sharing everything that I have learned from living with them.

2. Becoming Mexican. Okay, okay, so I haven't actually turned brown (although my heart has) but the Lord has really given me a heart towards Mexicans this semester! It started with working with almost all Hispanic people at Tin Star and now the Lord has provided multiple opportunities to love and pray for the beautiful Hispanic people!

3. I can push myself physically! I'm still learning this, but it has been cool to get up two or three times a week to go run/walk the track at 5 AM. In fact, I have really enjoyed it! When Damaris and I started doing this the first week of the semester, I seriously thought it would only last for a week or two at max. But somehow, through God's grace, we have managed to get our butts up and out of bed every week! (except for during the crazy snow storm and a week when we were sickly).

4. I can do well in school! Now, this hasn't exactly been my hardest semester, but it hasn't been my easiest either schoolwork wise. I've found out that if I really apply myself to my classes, I actually do pretty well. I have actually learned a lot in my biology and math class and I'm really thankful for my teachers this semester. I have really enjoyed school for the most part and that has been a wonderful change!

5. God is working through me! This last thing that I have learned this semester is actually really exciting and encouraging for me. Like most Christians, I have struggled at times to see how God is using me for His purpose and glory. These past couple weeks though He has revealed to me that He is working through me in a unique way. This semester the Lord has shown me that my ability to listen to other people is actually a gift that He gave me to use! I know it might sound silly, but I really do think that one of my gifts (I know its not on the official list) is the gift of listening. I really do LOVE listening to people share their lives with me, and I can listen to someone hours on end.

This past semester a friend of mine has been given the opportunity to work at a public school and work with underpriveledged kids. Her students are, funnily enough, predominatly hispanic and are greatly in need of love, support and encouragement. I have had the opportunity to mentor/tutor some of her kids each week, but really she is the one that has had a huge impact on her students lives. Throughout the semester, I have greatly enjoyed listening to my friend talk about her students and share with me both the joys and struggles she has experienced while working with them. My friend LOVES these kids in huge ways! But when you open yourself up to love, a lot of times you experience great heartache.

A couple weeks ago, my friend and I were on the phone and she was sharing with me more things about her job and her students. After a while she said something like "Grace, I'm sorry for talking your ear off about this! Sometimes I feel bad for talking so much." It was then that I realized something about myself that is really cool. I had never felt like she talks to much! In fact, I always loved and enjoyed hearing her heart and listening to her stories. I realized that God has used me in her life to lend an open ear. Everyone needs to talk at some point or another and God is using my ears to listen. I know it may sound crazy, but the Lord has shown me that doing something as simple as listening can be done for His glory. How crazy is that?

And thankfully my friend is totally awesome and will listen to me talk all day too! It's definintly not a one way listening relationship ;)

I'm stoked to see how God is going to continue to use my ability (that He gave me) to listen and ask people questions throughout the rest of my life. Sometimes it is the small things that we do that God can really use in mighty ways. I hope that you can begin to see how God may be using you in those seemingly small ways, because it is so awesome to realize that God can and will use you for His purposes!

Transformation

I had this odd urge to look at my old xanga posts from high school tonight. I'm glad that I did because it is so evident that the Lord has been at work in my heart!

Like a lot of high schoolers I really struggled with self esteem/peer pressure/confusion about life in general. The confusion I felt and the hurt that I carried brought me to a vulnerable place. Instead of turning to Jesus, I turned to other people and worldly things to make me feel better. Thankfully the things I turned to in High School did not last because God has been so incredibly gracious to me.

I will say that it is neat, and a little painful, to go back and read what my life looked like before Christ. Most posts are short and really negative, but I want to share with you what thoughts crossed my mind as a 17 and 18 year old.

Warning:
I had a potty mouth in High School and I’m not quite sure how to censor this.

Jan. 9th 2006

i have so much sh*t running through my head lately.
like i realized...im a really jealous person.
there i said it.
but im working on it...its just natural i guess.
it takes me forever for me to get to sleep lately. i just cant stop thinking. all these brilliant ideas come to me at early hours in the morning.
i wish i could write...then maybe some of my ideas would go to use.

im so scared that i wont become anything in life...like i wont succeed...what if i dont?
i thought i had this all figured out.
d*mn music started to make me think. and now look at me...im all emo and sh*t.

f*ck it.

Feb. 15th 2006

seriously guys...some of you need to go stick a shovel up you’re as* and shut the f*ck up. mmmk? ok.

woah this isnt an angry post i promise.
im fine...no really
im just dandy.

f*ck you all.

Sept. 26th 2006

i think i fail at friendships. for some reason i havent made a really good friend, one that i know will really be there for me, in years. and when i think i have made a friend like that...i suddenly realize that they dont really care.
i know that a lot of people "care" about me...or whatever...but idk...i dont have anyone to go to that know's everything about me and can just comfort me.
i dont have the same relationship with my sister as i use to. i use to tell her everything....but now we barely talk. i didnt even see her before she left.
i miss how our relationship use to be.

another thing i fail at is school. i dont think i have rightly passed a core class in two years. ive always barely managed....usually the teachers have pity on me and pass me. i dont really understand or care about anything in english, history, science, and math. but i know i need to know these things in order to succeed in life.
college scares the sh*t out of me and i've just let myself not care or worry about it. i dont know what im going to do with my life. i mean...i keep telling myself and everyone around me that ill make it in the world....but what if i dont? what if my whole life is just barely passing by? i dont want that. and i dont want to marry someone and have them do everything while i stay at home with the kids or some sh*t like that.

im sick of myself

Dec. 12th 2006


its like someone is poking me. its so annoying. something just keeps yelling in the back of my head telling me that im worth more than how i spend my time. time is everything. right now im not at school. im not feeling well....actually i think im anxious and anxiety makes me feel sick. im watching tv and writing in here. i should be doing something else with my time and energy. i have had such a negative attitude about myself lately. i have always told myself that i wasnt smart enough to do well in school. to get A's. to actually understand the material. well..ya. maybe im not as smart as others...but i have the ability to work hard and to understand. i have the ability to make A's and B's. i do. i think. so i need to. because im not going to pass college on just the ability to be creative. i have to actually memorize stuff and listen in class and take notes and study all year long. how am i suppose to do that though when all through high school i have done nothing. honestly...even the things im good at i have slacked on. i could have made amazing movies that i could have added to my porfolio...but no, i just made stuff to get by. i could have continued playing the piano and i could have been really good now. but no. the things that im good at i even slacked on. last year was seriously a complete waste of time. this year not as much but i still havent pushed myself. why cant i? i really cant. its so hard. ahhhh!!
i dont know what i need in order to get through these next years of college. but i really hope that whatever it is i can get it. i need motivation...i hope that i can find it in everything that i do. ok. im going to take a nap. and when i wake up im going to wash this ugly red dye out of my hair and go to starbucks and apply for a job. then im going to pray that i get it. that is all.

March 28th 2007


If you know me at all you know that I get stressed really easily. Everything stresses me out. From friends, family, school, everything. If I have a project due at school (especially a movie project) I stress out about it for like a week.

I think this tendency for me to stress, even about stupid things, started when I was little. I remember when I was only 5 or 6 years old I would get out of bed after my mom had "tucked me in." I would come crying to her questioning if she locked the door or not. I was so afraid of someone coming in and killing my family. It really stressed me out. Finally, after about five times of her showing me the locked door, I would finally go back to bed.

So after all these years of stressing, almost mentally torturing myself because I would just think so much about everything to worry about, I finally realize something. It is absolutley pointless for me to stress. God's timing is perfect and the future is nothing to worry about. To stress about the future (which is usually why I get so stressed out) is almost dishonoring God. Its me basically saying I dont trust Him enough to care and provide for me.

Of course, its obviously in my nature to stress and worry, but I really hope I can find a way to get it under control before the "real world" hits.

This last post I wrote after I came back from a mission trip to Russia when I was 18. I gave my life to Christ on that trip and finally felt peace in my life!

June 27th 2007

I'm back! I'm glad but I'm probably more sad. Russia was amazing and has been the best trip I have ever been on. I miss it a lot and wish I was there. It's so weird...some of the people I met in Russia, some who didnt even know english and who I only knew for two weeks, I feel closer to them then to people I have known since seventh grade. God was so real in there lives and they were grateful for everything they had. I am so humbled right now and have guilt for the luxiries I have when people in the world our starving. But I know I shouldnt feel guilty because God placed me where I am for a reason...but wow. Also, God has done a lot in my life. I have given Christ my life and am ready to serve Him. This is exciting.
Also, i have so much peace right now. I'm not worried about anything when there is a lot to worry about it. I have given it all up to God. Amazing.

So crazy right?? Those first few posts were pretty embarrassing to read again. After the negative attitude, poor choice in wording and terribly bad grammar, it is obvious to see how anxious and lost I felt. There are a ton of other posts that I wrote and the big things that I noticed was how dissatisfied I was with life. I felt afraid that my life would be wasted and I dealt with a ton of anxiety.


Thinking back, I really remember the Holy Spirit nudging my heart along the way. I was never satisfied with my life. I so desired something deeper and more meaningful in my life. My heart was thirsting for more in life.



Since I gave my life to Christ so many things have changed. I still struggle with things, but I have a completely different perspective. God has heaped blessing upon blessing on me and continues to extend grace to me time and time again. Thank you Jesus for truly transforming me! Glory to God!

Losing a job. Trusting in Jesus.

In the last 24 hours I have:

1. Worked my last shift at Tin Star.
2. Went salsa dancing with mi amigos.
3. Went on a secret mission.
4. Took a freakin' awesome nap! Yes, it is blog worthy.
5. Saw a friend that I don't see hardly enough.
6. Ate some legit mexican tacos.
7. Wrote this blog.

I guess I'll start with numero uno. It's just so weird! I went into work last night and just did my regular thing. I was even thinking through and planning around my work schedule for the rest of the week. Then my manager told me I could go home so I said goodbye to everyone and left.

My sister, her husband and the kids were still not back from their friends house by the time I got home. I had already planned on going out with some friends to Glorias for salsa dancing, so I hopped in the shower and got ready for the evening. As I was finishing up my make-up, my sister and Chase came home. They told me they needed to tell me something. I asked if I was in trouble. Isn't it funny how we always assume we are in trouble when someone says they need to talk to us? lol Well, at least thats what I always think. Anyways, Chase and Elizabeth assured me that I wasn't in trouble. Instead they said that they had permission from my manager (Chase's good friend) to tell me that Tin Star is closing. Tonight. Without any warning at all.

I'm not sure why, but for whatever reason they decided to close my location. A lot of different thoughts have passed my mind since I found out that I don't have a job. Some are positive. Like, I am beyond excited to have Sundays off again and I am thrilled to really get involved at Fellowship. But mainly, I'm kind of bummed. I mean, I really liked that job (other than the Sunday thing). My coworkers were funny and I loved working with them, I made semi-decent money there, and my shifts usually went by pretty fast. I'm also pretty annoyed that they didn't give any of us warning. I mean, had I known that I wouldn't have a job even a week ago, I would have spent my money differently. I would have started looking for other options, and I would have been able to say my final farewells to my coworkers. But in the end, it is what it is and I am looking at this as an opportunity to trust in the Lord for provision.

I have realized this before, but it hit again last night and today. It is really easy for me to make idols of security and comfort. Having a job gave me a great sense of security and knowing that I can afford certain things is a comfort to me. And this is just a part time job that gives me this sense of security and comfort, imagine if it was my full time job. The fact is, that at anytime the Lord can take away. I want to be able to still praise Him no matter what trials I may face in life. I don't want my security to be put into earthly, fleeting things. I want to put all my security in the Lord and I know that He is using this experience to teach me how to do just that! And that in itself is such a blessing!

Other than the whole job thing, these couple days have been really fun. Ashleigh, Amy, Damaris and I danced the night away at Glorias. I am not usually the clubbing type, but I really did have a blast dancing. Then today Damaris and I went on a secret mission and then took a wonderful nap. It is so nice to just hang out and not worry about work or school! Then we went over to the Starbucks that my friend Sarah works at. I haven't seen her in way to long and enjoyed catching up. Then Dam took me to a wonderful authentic Mexican restaurant that is in the ghetto. I was the only white person there. It was fantastic.

And now, I'm at Dam's and Jessie's place getting ready to fall asleep while watching Scout and Sir-Meows-A-Lot get into a fight.

I hate cats.

Listening to the Spirit

What is the first thing that you think and do when you see the homeless?

Do you instantly lock your doors while trying to avoid eye contact with the person?

Do you stare in curiosity, wondering why they are on the streets?

Do you ever consider stopping to give something to them? Or do you excuse yourself from helping, because after all, its dangerous and they will probably spend the money on drugs?

OR do you listen to the Holy Spirit?

I admit, I have done every one of those things listed above. I have locked my doors while praying that the man or woman will not approach me. I have stared at the homeless, and sometimes felt a sense of pride that I am not in their lowly position. I have considered helping them, but most of the time I tend to come up with great excuses to get out it.

It hasn't been until the start of this year that I have decided to try to actually listen to the Holy Spirit.

The truth is that we as Christians have a responsibility to the homeless. It is written ALL OVER the Bible. Starting from the very beginning when the Lord created laws that instructed the Jews to not pick all of their crops and to leave some of there crops for those in need (Lev 19). Then in Isaiah 58 where the text specifically says to cloth the naked, free the oppressed and feed the hungry. This is an act of worship. Not to mention that Jesus himself mentions taking care of the poor numerous times.

So yes, its obvious that as follower of Jesus, I have a responsibility to the poor. But I have always struggled with actually acting on Jesus' commands to take care of the poor.

Last April I did a month long project where I focused on the poor and some of the trials they face daily. I can truly say that the Lord broke my heart in such a tangible way from that experience that real change happened in me. It has been such a journey for me since I ended that project. So many questions and confusion I have felt about what I should physically do to help the poor. The Lord has been gracious with me and has provided some sweet opportunities to love the poor overseas, which I was thrilled about, but what about the poor in Dallas?

I finally came to the understanding that I do have a responsibility to the homeless people that I come across in Dallas. After asking for direction and wisdom, I feel like these are the things that I must do when I see a homeless man or woman.

1. Pray (duh). Pray for that man or woman and ask for direction in what my next step should be.
2. Listen. The Holy Spirit is always leading me, but I need to really do my best to listen to what the Holy Spirit is telling me to do.
3. Act. And this is it the hard part. The Holy Spirit is going to convict me to do something and I need to actually act on it.
4. Pray again. Pray for that person you just interacted with in some way. Pray for healing in their life, pray for provision, pray that they will come to know Jesus.

Since January I have asked the Lord to give me the courage to actually do those four things when I see a homeless person. It has been so incredibly sweet to see what God has taught me throughout these two months.

I've learned that listening to the Holy Spirit is harder than I thought. There have been times where I have given something, and left feeling like I needed to give more. I halfway listened. There have been times where I haven't given anything at all and have left with the peace that I made the right decision to not give. Throughout all the opportunities that the Lord has provided for me to give, I get better at listening to the Holy Spirit.

I encourage you to try those four things I mentioned above. It is extremely uncomfortable to actually give to a homeless person the first time. God is going to stretch you and it will not always be easy or convenient. But the blessings that have come from each homeless person that I have given and talked with have been so amazing.

And consider this passage in Matthew. Remember that when we give, we are giving to our Savior, our King.

34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

Oh ya, I have one of these...

Blogs overwhelm me. I always want to write something, but I think I put to much thought into it. I usually end up writing half a blog post and then I give up. There is always so much I want to say and sometimes I don't know how to say it!

But I'm gonna try and start writing in this little blog of mine more. I'm not going to feel pressured into writing a novel every time I do write. I mean, who wants to read a novel anyways? Instead, I just want to write about the things that the Lord is teaching me. Hopefully my words will encourage people, but I know that I will also enjoy reflecting on what God has done in my life. Blogging will be a good way to do just that.

So, I'm going to not stress and just do this thing. If you want to keep up with me, then you can follow me or whatever. I'm gonna start out easy and just do a post a week. So get ready blog World, I'm bout to blow this blog up! Yuh!

Hungry for Change Diet

Hey guys!

So, this is what I eat on a daily basis. Just try it for one day and let me know how it goes!

Morning:

Banana (105 calories)

White Cornmeal Mush with 1 tablespoon sugar and 1/5 cup of milk (215 calories)

Black Tea

Evening:

1/2 Cup Black Beans (100 calories)

1 Cup cooked rice (240 calories)

1 Small Potato (120 calories)

1 Cup Broccoli or Spinach or 1/2 Cup Peas (10-40 calories)

Recipe for the Cornmeal Mush:

Mix 1/4 cup of white cornmeal with 1/4 cold water. Bring 1/2 cup of water to a boil. Slowly add the white cornmeal and cold water mixture to the boiling water while stirring. Stir until it looks like mush.

Good luck!

Plans

Life is funny.

God is funny.

I know it's not just me, but I feel like every turn I take, God changes my plans. Let's take college for example. The original plan was to go to community college for a year and then transfer to a private Christian University somewhere out of Texas. The problem was that I could not find any colleges that I thought would be a good fit for me. So, scratch private college. The next plan was to move to Florida, work for a year, and then attend a Florida college and major in film. Two months into living in a completely different city with no job, no family, and no community, I realized I would not make it. I had never been so lonely in a place and Satan was attacking in every way possible. I think my self esteem was the lowest it had ever been, and hopefully ever will be. So I nixed Florida and moved back to Dallas. I need a new plan. Alright, I will work for a semester and then go back to school at community college. Wait. Wasn't I suppose to be out of community college last year? I guess it wasn't God's plan. I guess I can suck up community college for another semester but that is it. Then I will transfer to Texas State and major in sociology or something. Oh, but no. It's not time. Drastic family changes happen and Dallas is where I'm suppose to be. Again. Really God?

I had been trying to get out of Dallas since I graduated high school, but God just kept frustrating my plans.

I am so thankful for this.

Throughout all this craziness God has taught me so much. The big thing I learned is to be content where I am in life. I did not like Dallas because I felt like I didn't have any really good friends here. But God heard my prayers and provided friendships in Dallas that will last forever. Another reason why I was not so fond of Dallas was I didn't feel like I was growing spiritually. But God knew this and through a good church and some great friendships, I feel like I am growing more than ever. The reality is that life would be a lot different if any of those plans had gone my way. I was still so young in my faith and would give in easily to sin. God knew that I needed time to heal in Dallas from past wounds and time to grow stronger in my relationships with friends, family, and most importantly, Christ.

As far as plans, I have kind of given up. Ok, maybe not given up, but I now come up with plans with a big disclaimer: God will most likely change this plan. But His plan is way better.

I'm excited about the rest of this semester. I have lot of plans to make videos and to travel a couple places. Then, after that I will work at Pine Cove for three months to work as a videographer. And then when I come back home in the fall, I plan on moving out and living in Dallas as I continue my education at none other than community college.

Yes. These plans sound good. But God, if you want to change them, please do.

His plans are always better.