Transformation

I had this odd urge to look at my old xanga posts from high school tonight. I'm glad that I did because it is so evident that the Lord has been at work in my heart!

Like a lot of high schoolers I really struggled with self esteem/peer pressure/confusion about life in general. The confusion I felt and the hurt that I carried brought me to a vulnerable place. Instead of turning to Jesus, I turned to other people and worldly things to make me feel better. Thankfully the things I turned to in High School did not last because God has been so incredibly gracious to me.

I will say that it is neat, and a little painful, to go back and read what my life looked like before Christ. Most posts are short and really negative, but I want to share with you what thoughts crossed my mind as a 17 and 18 year old.

Warning:
I had a potty mouth in High School and I’m not quite sure how to censor this.

Jan. 9th 2006

i have so much sh*t running through my head lately.
like i realized...im a really jealous person.
there i said it.
but im working on it...its just natural i guess.
it takes me forever for me to get to sleep lately. i just cant stop thinking. all these brilliant ideas come to me at early hours in the morning.
i wish i could write...then maybe some of my ideas would go to use.

im so scared that i wont become anything in life...like i wont succeed...what if i dont?
i thought i had this all figured out.
d*mn music started to make me think. and now look at me...im all emo and sh*t.

f*ck it.

Feb. 15th 2006

seriously guys...some of you need to go stick a shovel up you’re as* and shut the f*ck up. mmmk? ok.

woah this isnt an angry post i promise.
im fine...no really
im just dandy.

f*ck you all.

Sept. 26th 2006

i think i fail at friendships. for some reason i havent made a really good friend, one that i know will really be there for me, in years. and when i think i have made a friend like that...i suddenly realize that they dont really care.
i know that a lot of people "care" about me...or whatever...but idk...i dont have anyone to go to that know's everything about me and can just comfort me.
i dont have the same relationship with my sister as i use to. i use to tell her everything....but now we barely talk. i didnt even see her before she left.
i miss how our relationship use to be.

another thing i fail at is school. i dont think i have rightly passed a core class in two years. ive always barely managed....usually the teachers have pity on me and pass me. i dont really understand or care about anything in english, history, science, and math. but i know i need to know these things in order to succeed in life.
college scares the sh*t out of me and i've just let myself not care or worry about it. i dont know what im going to do with my life. i mean...i keep telling myself and everyone around me that ill make it in the world....but what if i dont? what if my whole life is just barely passing by? i dont want that. and i dont want to marry someone and have them do everything while i stay at home with the kids or some sh*t like that.

im sick of myself

Dec. 12th 2006


its like someone is poking me. its so annoying. something just keeps yelling in the back of my head telling me that im worth more than how i spend my time. time is everything. right now im not at school. im not feeling well....actually i think im anxious and anxiety makes me feel sick. im watching tv and writing in here. i should be doing something else with my time and energy. i have had such a negative attitude about myself lately. i have always told myself that i wasnt smart enough to do well in school. to get A's. to actually understand the material. well..ya. maybe im not as smart as others...but i have the ability to work hard and to understand. i have the ability to make A's and B's. i do. i think. so i need to. because im not going to pass college on just the ability to be creative. i have to actually memorize stuff and listen in class and take notes and study all year long. how am i suppose to do that though when all through high school i have done nothing. honestly...even the things im good at i have slacked on. i could have made amazing movies that i could have added to my porfolio...but no, i just made stuff to get by. i could have continued playing the piano and i could have been really good now. but no. the things that im good at i even slacked on. last year was seriously a complete waste of time. this year not as much but i still havent pushed myself. why cant i? i really cant. its so hard. ahhhh!!
i dont know what i need in order to get through these next years of college. but i really hope that whatever it is i can get it. i need motivation...i hope that i can find it in everything that i do. ok. im going to take a nap. and when i wake up im going to wash this ugly red dye out of my hair and go to starbucks and apply for a job. then im going to pray that i get it. that is all.

March 28th 2007


If you know me at all you know that I get stressed really easily. Everything stresses me out. From friends, family, school, everything. If I have a project due at school (especially a movie project) I stress out about it for like a week.

I think this tendency for me to stress, even about stupid things, started when I was little. I remember when I was only 5 or 6 years old I would get out of bed after my mom had "tucked me in." I would come crying to her questioning if she locked the door or not. I was so afraid of someone coming in and killing my family. It really stressed me out. Finally, after about five times of her showing me the locked door, I would finally go back to bed.

So after all these years of stressing, almost mentally torturing myself because I would just think so much about everything to worry about, I finally realize something. It is absolutley pointless for me to stress. God's timing is perfect and the future is nothing to worry about. To stress about the future (which is usually why I get so stressed out) is almost dishonoring God. Its me basically saying I dont trust Him enough to care and provide for me.

Of course, its obviously in my nature to stress and worry, but I really hope I can find a way to get it under control before the "real world" hits.

This last post I wrote after I came back from a mission trip to Russia when I was 18. I gave my life to Christ on that trip and finally felt peace in my life!

June 27th 2007

I'm back! I'm glad but I'm probably more sad. Russia was amazing and has been the best trip I have ever been on. I miss it a lot and wish I was there. It's so weird...some of the people I met in Russia, some who didnt even know english and who I only knew for two weeks, I feel closer to them then to people I have known since seventh grade. God was so real in there lives and they were grateful for everything they had. I am so humbled right now and have guilt for the luxiries I have when people in the world our starving. But I know I shouldnt feel guilty because God placed me where I am for a reason...but wow. Also, God has done a lot in my life. I have given Christ my life and am ready to serve Him. This is exciting.
Also, i have so much peace right now. I'm not worried about anything when there is a lot to worry about it. I have given it all up to God. Amazing.

So crazy right?? Those first few posts were pretty embarrassing to read again. After the negative attitude, poor choice in wording and terribly bad grammar, it is obvious to see how anxious and lost I felt. There are a ton of other posts that I wrote and the big things that I noticed was how dissatisfied I was with life. I felt afraid that my life would be wasted and I dealt with a ton of anxiety.


Thinking back, I really remember the Holy Spirit nudging my heart along the way. I was never satisfied with my life. I so desired something deeper and more meaningful in my life. My heart was thirsting for more in life.



Since I gave my life to Christ so many things have changed. I still struggle with things, but I have a completely different perspective. God has heaped blessing upon blessing on me and continues to extend grace to me time and time again. Thank you Jesus for truly transforming me! Glory to God!